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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

" So, What Is Polyamory..?" 'Harmony Bentosino' (Harmonic Wednesday is back!) ;-)

 Welcome back Dakinetalk's good friend 'Harmony!'   
Harmony recently completed  her Masters degree in counseling.
Harmony  resides in Kapolei, Hawaii on the island of Oahu...
Harmony is a true free spirit as seen here swimming

 with dolphins on the island of Oahu...Harmony blogs about her recent fate...

So, What Is Polyamory..?

Polyamory comes from the Greek and Latin words for many loves.  It is a romantic relationship that involves more than two people.

You mean like swinging?
No, swinging has a different focus.  Swinging is about recreational sex.  With polyamory, the focus is on deep relationships, although deep relationships can naturally lead to sex.

So you mean it’s like cheating with a girlfriend on the side?
No, with polyamory everyone involved is open and honest and has agreed to the relationship.  If you can’t invite your lover to Christmas dinner, then chances are the relationship is not polyamory.

So polyamory is for people who can’t commit?
No, just the opposite.  If you can’t commit to one person, how are you going to commit to two or more?  Many so called monogamous people actually practice something called serial monogamy which means they jump from one lover to the next while claiming to be monogamous with each one.  While no one expects every relationship to last forever, some serial monogamists believe relationships are expendable and will stay with one partner until something better comes along.  Or at the first sign of trouble, they will just bail.

Polyamory is a more ethical choice because polyamorists don’t discard an old partner when a new one comes along.  It reminds me of a song we used to sing around the campfire in Girl Scouts, “Make new friends, but keep the old.  One is silver and the other gold.”

 But if you love someone, then you shouldn't want anyone else, right? 
That’s a common idea, but it doesn't always hold up in practice. However, there are a minority of people who do successfully practice lifelong monogamy.

Many believe if you have multiple loves, then you can’t give your whole heart to one person, and that if you love more than one, your love is divided and not as deep.  But that is based on the scarcity model.  Love can behave in unpredictable ways.  It’s like the more you give, the more you have to give.  It is similar to having and loving more than one child.  

Some think if you love one person and start to love someone else, then, you really didn't love the first person, but that goes back to the scarcity model which believes that in a world of six billion people, there is only one soul mate for each person.  Not too realistic.

The best way to make polyamorous relationships work is by following the rule.  Rules?  What rules?  If you want to sleep with someone, don’t you just sleep with them?
No, it doesn't work that way.  

But of course, there are as many different varieties of polyamory as there are people. There is no one right way to practice it, although all poly relationships involve honesty, respect, and compassion.     .  
But yes, there are rules.  What kind of rules?  
There are polyfidelitous relationships which could involve a triad.  The triad could consist of two people having sex with one of the members, or it could mean all three having sex with each other.  The triad could decide it would be cheating for there to be sex outside of the triad.  Cheating is worse in polyamorous relationships because more than one person is betrayed.  

There could be relationships outside of the triad if all members agreed on the particular person and if the outside person was aware of the relationships within the triad.
Individuals can also be polyamorous.  

So isn't this all some sexist, misogynistic, male dominant, polygamist thing like that HBO show Big Love?

No, polygamy and polyamory are very different.  Polygamy involves one man married to many women.  Polyamory is not about marriage but about relationships (since group marriage is not legal).  The genders are egalitarian, and there is no one way to practice polyamory.  It could even be one woman with many partners.
Abstract artwork by Harmony!

Some people find polyamory so strange that it is easier for them to condone cheating than polyamory.  Which do you think is a better alternative?

There are many benefits to polyamory:
One can gain greater perspective, and there are more sources of support.  Also, it’s a wonderful way to add variety in your sex life!

There’s a downside:
It’s more complicated.  You need to be a good communicator on a personal level.  It’s harder for a group to come to a consensus than for just two people.

So, maybe this could actually work.  How do I get started?
There is a support group in Honolulu, which meets the second and fourth Thursdays, at 7:00 pm, at the First Unitarian Church, located at 2500 Pali Highway.  The group is called Pali-Paths.  Get the play on words?  This is not a place where you should expect to pick up a partner, but rather the group meets to discuss and offer advice on how to deal with various issues such as jealousy.  

In polyamory, there is a word, compersion, which is the opposite of jealousy.  It means feeling happy for your partner when she or he finds a new lover.  
There are many other online resources for information about polyamory, and for activities and supports groups in other parts of the country.

Harmony out demonstrating another
subject she feels passionate about!  
Editor's note, Dakinetalk guest bloggers do not necessarily represent the opinions of dakinetalk. Guest bloggers are given space to express their beliefs and or opinions. We feel there are many roads and like to give people space to express their thoughts,after-all that's what dakine is...Aloha, James "Kimo" Rosen, Publisher.

There is a series on Showtime called 'Polyamory' all about this subject.  Check out the website below for free episodes and more;

Hana Hou, (Encore) Shared From Facebook


Anonymous said...

I found watching the Showtime TV-show Polyamory that these people do get jealous and these relationships seem like fun however how many actually last 20 or more years? Maybe that's not the point?http://www.sho.com/sho/polyamory-married-and-dating/home

KimoRosen said...

There is also a Facebook page for the TV show; https://www.facebook.com/PolyamoryOnShowtime?fref=ts

Bettejo Dux said...

I'm wending my way through the novel Polyamory. Love the picture with the dolphin. Hope to get CLAIR-sequel to CHILDREN- to publisher soon.

John Loveland said...

Via Dolphin Photo;

"Almost as good as a puppy? Ele' misses your swims!"

Jan En Marijke Kanninga · said...

Via Dolphin Photo;

"Lovely picture"

Harmony Bentosino said...

Everybody is noticing my pic & not even seeing the blog which has nothing to do with the pic!!

KimoRosen said...

not everyone, the blog already has over 50 hits for the day!

Anonymous said...

I think the people that like the photo also like the blog...

Anonymous said...


Harmony Bentosino said...

How do you tell how many hits it has?

KimoRosen said...

my administration page for the blog has that info along with how many people using Chrome, internet explorer, cell phones etc. Even shows what country. Every blog has an admin page. Does not show individuals though. Your blofg so far is doing pretty good...

Anonymous said...


Carolyn Corrigan said...

Via Dolphin photo;

What fun!

Anonymous said...

Why not? Regular marriage has a success rate of less than 50%....

Terese Moser said...

Harmony how was your swim with the dolphins? I'd like to hear about it. Was it poly something? I see how I could love them if I got to know them. They are happy to share their beauty and intelligence. Hope to try it soon!

Harmony Bentosino said...

I did that swim years ago! It was at Sea Life Park. You can call them for info. It has nothing to do with polyamory. My friend, Kimo, who publishes the blog, just likes that photo & decided to use it.

Sandy Markley Levine said...

Hmmm. I should write a blog on the topic of blissful monogamy with my soulmate.

Harmony Bentosino said...

Yes, you should, & Kimo will be delighted to publish it,

Sandy Markley Levine said...

In my spare time.

KimoRosen said...

Sandy, Harmony is right, I would be honored to publish your blog,open invite to you! Aloha.

Harmony Bentosino said...

She told me she never has time cuz she has to take care of our parents & work full time.

KimoRosen said...

Make time, writing is like a meditation, you'll feel better after doing it!