"2014...." 'Bettejo Dux' (Classic Wednesday)

Bettejo Dux has lived on Kaua'i for  over 40 years and is a regular columnist  for the worlds greatest
newspaper, (The Kaua'i Garden Island news) Bettejo is pictured above with friends at Costco
Outdoor cafe. Haouli Makahiki Hou, (Happy New Year!)
www.bettejodux.com

2014

The year 2014 is the Chinese Year of the Horse.

"People who are born under the year of the horse are known for their ingenious communication skills. They are clever , not afraid  to venture in their careers and kind to others. Cheerful and perceptive, the Horse people are talented and witty. They are earthy but also stubborn and know how to work the crowd."

And that ain't all...

"Popularity is another asset, just as the horse is a universally loved animal. They have cheerful dispositions, possess a gregarious nature, have financially sound minds, and handle money matters well.

Wise, talented and quick in all their undertakings, they are independent and spirited individuals who despise advice Blood runs hot in their veins and they are quick to anger."

Those born on the years 1906- 1918-1930- 1942-1954-1966-1978-1990-2002-2014 are horse guys.

Please excuse all us horse people for a moment as we go out for a walk, six feet in the air, bare toes  touching not the ground.

There are  12 mascots in China to represent every 12 years. They are rat, ox, tiger, hare, dragon, snake, horse, sheep, monkey, rooster, dog and pig. Horse and sheep as a group represent courage and gentleness, the implied meaning is to march forward courageously, adapting to the surrounding environment harmoniously.

Oddly enough, every time I pass the rich green sheep pasture on the drive to Koloa I want to stop and bring home a lamb.

More: bad luck is going to be rare for us.

My gallent  heart is thumping. I need a glass of Chardonnay, iced. 'For breakfast, Bettejo?"

There's more. Holy moly. Leos'-I'm a Leo-careers will flourish and money-making potential is going to be successful.

As the most devoutly out spoken non believer on Kauai, I can just hear  the titters. "See I told you non believers have secret  silly beliefs just like us."

I love the 'just like us' part, so I'm gonna  have a sliver  of scrumptious aromtic pumpkin pie with my wine for breakfast.  Join me?

But wait! Alas. The year of the horse won't start until 14:04 PM, Feb. 3 Pacific Standard time. The first day of spring. Imbolc. Got it!  Okay. I'll try to have my two new books-that means three in all-The Scam, Children of the Extinction and my collected bettejo columns, all 200 of them-on the market in February. I'll have a grand book signing at Birdie's darling restaurant at the Kukiolono Golf Course and Hanapepe Talk Story Book Store some time that month. You're all invited.

Now that I've indulged my dreamiest, make-believe and let's pretend mind-set to an extreme, I'll try to get my feet back on the ground, not splashing   a drop of wine or spilling a crumb of pumpkin pie. My heart will stop thumping, I'll sit in a chair, rest and take a breath. and let this wonderful new fantasy take root.  It will flourish in the dappled sunlight of my sweet-scented barn/jungle house. It will blossom. The impossible dream flower.

Come on, all you horse guys, join me. Happy 2014.

Hana Hou, ( Encore) Shared From Facebook ...

"Happy New Year, you sure look healthy..." 'James "Kimo" Rosen

Happy new Year to all. My dog Obama the day she adopted me.

Aloha, Check out my column in today's Kaua'i Garden Island news; "You sure look..."If you like it please click on recommend on the top right or bottom of page. The link is below. Enjoy! Happy New Year!Hauli Makhiki Hou! James "Kimo" Rosen 

P.S,. My title was, "You sure like healthy," they changed it to plump? Who do you think had better title?

http://thegardenisland.com/news/opinion/guest/you-sure-look-plump/article_b3e7712c-7107-11e3-bc89-0019bb2963f4.html

P.S. I am OK, this column is tongue-n-cheek!

"You sure look healthy" can mean many things. It might mean it looks like you've been working out,doing yoga, swimming,hiking, biking, playing basketball, football and  baseball or even running marathons and triathlons. It might imply you've been eating right, or that mentally you have your act together.

I thought I was getting compliments from the few  friends and neighbors that  still speak to me. They were  saying, "you sure look healthy!" I took it as a compliment, although I really don't feel that healthy. Then I realized they were trying to tell me in a polite way, wow you sure have gained a lot of weight, you look fat . What happened?

Many people including myself seem to gain weight during the holiday season and winter months. There are shorter days, parties and  free samples in the stores. Friends and family will send expensive  fruit cakes, cookies and alcoholic beverages as gifts which contain mega calories.  Not being as active will also lead to added pounds. Winter time also brings on healthy appetites which all contribute to tight shirts and larger belts. I like to  use the excuse that the dryer must be shrinking my clothes, however the scale and camera phone selfies don't  lie.

Friends  will give that same compliment to my dog, "boy your dog sure looks healthy!" I was always so happy and proud when people would say that.  I thought they were telling me subliminally that I really take good care of my dog. I take pride in my dog and my dog is my best friend. When someone compliments my  dog and says your dog sure looks healthy,I become a beaming proud dad.To my disappointment, just as with myself, they were telling me your dog looks pleasingly plump and  fat, what happened?

I will tell you what happened, we both like to eat and although I never intended to spoil my dog with human food I just can't resist feeding her what I eat,  especially when those innocent eyes are staring  straight into my soul the whole while I eat .

 I always feel uneasy during the holidays when people that normally aren't nice, are all of the sudden  nice and saying things like, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy new Year and my obvious favorite "you sure look healthy." I am thrilled the holidays are over and people can get back to being their normal selfish selves. 

...And now with a new year upon us, I plan on  shedding a few pounds. Hopefully next time someone says, "you sure look healthy," it's because I'm strutting a new  six pack, and I'm not talking about Budweiser,  but then again maybe I am?

P.S. Please click on enclosed link and click recommend!
http://thegardenisland.com/news/opinion/guest/you-sure-look-plump/article_b3e7712c-7107-11e3-bc89-0019bb2963f4.html

Hana Hou, (Encore) Shared from Facebook...

"Reflections..." 'Judith Whitehead' (Inspiration Sunday)

Judith Whitehead lives in Amherst N.Y. and has worked in
the ophthalmology field of medicine for close to 35 years.
Happy 2014!

Reflections

As I reflect on the year 2013 that has flown by; I pause and recall the many times we have enjoyed  happiness and also unfortunate  grief.

 I have experienced; the passing of friends and family we still miss, the milestone birthdays we have enjoyed celebrating and the enjoyable trips we were lucky enough to partake in and enjoy.  

Our family is more than lucky to enjoy this year with good luck, good fortune and good times.  Each year seems to continue to  become shorter and shorter as we add birthday candles on to our lives.

As we get ready to enjoy another New Years Eve celebration with our dear friends and family, we want to wish everyone a most joyous safe and healthy New Year with good fortune for all. 

May 2014 be a great year for everyone. 

Hana Hou, (Encore) Shared from Facebook...

Lord, please bless this food... 'Obama Da Dog' (From somewhere on Facebook)

Even Obama Da Dog likes to bless  food before chowing down...

Lord, please bless this food

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. 

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. 

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" 

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. 

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. 

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Hana Hou, (Encore) Shared From Facebook....

"Was DA night bafo' Christmas..." 'Sista Obama Da Dog' (From da facebook source)

Happy Holidays!

Was DA night bafo' Christmas

 Was DA night bafo' Christmas, and all ova' DA place, Not even DA

Geckos was showin' their face.

Da stockings was hangin' on top DA TV

('Cause no MO fireplace in Hawai'i )

Da kids stay all crashed, my old man too.

They leave all DA work for you-know-who.

So me, I stay pickin' up alla their toys, When - boom! - outside get

Only big noise!

I run to DA window, I open 'em up,

I stick out my head and I yell, "He! Whassup?!"

And then, I no can ba-lieve what I seen!

Was so unreal, you know what I mean?

This fat haole guy get his reindeers in my yard!

And reindeers not housebroken, you know, as' why hard!

But nemmind, this Christmas, so I cut 'em some slack.

Plus, had uku pile presents pokin' outta his sack!

So I wait 'till he pau tie up his reindeer, Then I yell out DA window,

"Huui! Brah, ova hea!"

An' I tell 'em first thing, when I open DA door, "He, Hemo your shoes!

You going dirty my floor!"

He take off his boots, he tell, "You know who I am?"

I go, "Ho! From the smell, must be Mr. Toe Jam!"

He make mempachi eyes and he go, "Ho, ho, ho!"

By now, I stay thinking this guy kinda slow!

He look like my Tutu, but little less weight, And his beard stay so

White, MO white than shark bait!

He stay all in red, specially his nose,

And get reindeer spit on top his nice clothes!

But him, he no care; he just smile at me, And he start of put presents

Unda-neath DA tree.

I tell 'em, "He, brah, no need make li'dat, And watch where you step!

You going ma-ke DA cat!"

Then, out from his bag, he pull one brand new computah, Choke video

Games, and one motorized scootah!

He try for fill up DA Christmas socks too, But had so much pukas, all DA

Stuff went fall troo.

When he pau, I tell 'em, "He Santa, try wait!

I get plenty leftovahs, I go make you one plate!"

But he nevah like hang, he had so much of do; Gotta make all them small

Kids''s wishes come true.

So I wave 'em goodbye, and I flash 'em DA shaka, And I tell 'em, "Mele

Kalikimaka!"

When he hea Dat, he stop...and I telling you true, He go, "Garans

Ball-barans! Merry Christmas to you!"

Hana Hou, (Encore) Shared from Facebook...

"Why Do the Jew eat Chines food on Christmas..?" 'James "Kimo" Rosen'

"Obama Da Dog wishes everyone a Joyous Holiday season and to remember

 that everyday is Thanksgiving even though today is Christmas..." 

Note; This blog also appeared as an opinion article this same day 

of Christmas in the Kaua'i Garden Island news; under the title;" A holiday tradition...." 

http://thegardenisland.com/news/opinion/mailbag/letters-for-saturday-december/article_a5e97f0c-2dfc-11e1-b984-001871e3ce6c.html

This blog originality ran as Dakinetalk Blog # 521 on 12-24-11 
and on 12-25-12 Blog #889...

Because of it's popularity  our editors decided to run it again 
as an encore blog!

The big question this time of year is why do my people 
(Jewish people) eat Chinese food on Christmas?

 

It's a tradition that started since most Chinese people are not Christian and do not celebrate the holiday, therefore those in the restaurant business stay open when literally everything form shopping malls, movie theaters, bowling alleys, sporting events, public libraries, public pools, even grocery and drug stores are closed on Christmas. 

On December 25Th, the United States is pretty much closed down, but 90 years ago, things were really closed . It was either church or family and friends at home. Therefore  Jewish people had nothing to do until they discovered Chinese restaurants were open.   
Chinese restaurant owners did not discriminate. They did not care whether they served blacks, Jews, Portuguese  or space aliens. They treated all their customers with due respect. This was unique at a time when a Jewish person could be turned away at the door of a restaurant since anti-semitism was a real thing. The Chinese restaurant owners didn't care and  the more people meant more  money.  

One obstruction for Jews to get over was that Chinese food was filled with non-kosher ingredients like shellfish and pork. Some just held their nose and ate it. In the late 1950s, there evolved this humorous concept of “safe treyf.” (non kosher food) Obviously, treyf (non-kosher food)is forbidden but “safe treyf” means it’s prohibited but OK. If you can’t see the pork in the won-ton soup stock, Or if the shrimp in the shrimp chow mein is chopped up into little tiny pieces  that you really can’t recognize then it’s OK.

The irony about all this hoopla of Jews having nothing else to do on Christmas is that Jesus himself was a practicing Jew and I would bet my matzo ball soup he would most likely had eaten kosher Chinese food on December 25Th with a message of peace and aloha to one and all.


 Merry solstice, Happy Christmas and rejoice in Chanukah!

Now as an encore or as in Hawaii we say Hana hou, enclosed is a poem and joke to go with today's blog!
"Twas the night before Christmas and there was hardly a sound,
As Jews jumped in their cars and drove to Chinatown.
Their orders were given to waiters with care,
In hopes that won-ton soup soon would be there.

The children finished their noodles and nestled in their beds,
While visions of fortune cookies danced in their heads.
Now, Moment takes an inquiring look,
At how this love affair with Chinese food took."—Nonna Gorilovskaya

A Chinese / Jewish Restaurant Joke

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

"Yes," replied the Chinese man, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."

The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."

The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible, he replied. Where did your people eat for a thousand years?    

Mele Kalikimaka & Haouli Makahiki Hou!

Extra, Extra read all about it,  sign of the times,Newsweek  prints final edition and will go 100% electronic.
http://en.rian.ru/business/20121224/178379163.html




Hana Hou, (Encore) Shared from Facebook...

"The Truth about Santa Claus..." 'Douglas Dunn' (By popular demand)

Guest blogger Douglas Dunn on the beach with his daughter JoAnn back in 1981. Doug is a regular commenter and guest-blogger on dakinetalk... Doug runs a small publishing consulting business in San Diego county and is a   certified American Sign Language (ASL) interpreter (for Deaf people),  last but not least he has been a Democratic Party media spokesperson and has had  the good fortune to work with Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Doug also drives a Nissan Leaf !

Santa Claus and JoAnn Dunn back in 1977, "Yes there really is a Santa!" By the way JoAnn is now   married and a  Mom to two lovely granddaughters.


This blog originally ran as dakinetalk blog # 520 on 12-23-11 and on  12-24-12, blog #888 . It was so popular our editors decided to run it again for a third year in a row allowing more people to read this beautiful touching holiday story.

THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA CLAUS

When my daughter JoAnn was eight years old, she came home from school one December afternoon, very upset. Some kids had been teasing her because she still believed in Santa Claus. Her Dad had told her there was a Santa Claus, and she knew that Dad would never tell a lie.

“Daddy,” she said, “I’m eight years old. I’m old enough to know The Truth. Is there really a Santa Claus?” Parents dread this question almost as much as, “Where do babies come from?”

But when a child asks for THE TRUTH, it is time to be straight with them.

“Okay,” I answered. “If you’re old enough to know The Truth about Santa Claus, then you’re old enough to know the truth about the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy as well.”

“I want THE TRUTH.”

“Well, your Daddy is really the Easter Bunny. And your Daddy is really the tooth fairy. [Pause] Santa Claus is real.”

Her eyes grew big and round. “Santa Claus really comes each Christmas Eve and leaves presents?”

I said, “The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are mythical characters, made-up for holiday fun. Santa Claus is real. He really lived and is based on a real person. But it is often difficult for very small children to understand about the real Santa Claus, so over the years a lot of make-believe and fantasy have been added to make it more fun.”

We talked about the historical figure, St. Nicholas, Bishop of Myra, who used to go out on Christmas Eve with gifts for poor children who would otherwise have no Christmas. But like all real human beings, he eventually grew old, and died at the age of 73 on December 6, 343. But after Nicholas, others took up the role. We read together stories from newspapers and magazines of people up to the present day who spread joy by giving Christmas gifts in secret. There are lots of them! Santa Claus is not only real, but alive and doing very well in the modern world.

“If you’re old enough to know THE TRUTH about Santa Claus,” I concluded, “maybe you’re old enough to BE a Santa Claus.”

“BE a Santa Claus?” she asked, brightening.

It was too close to Christmas to make extensive plans for the current year, but we talked about ideas for the next year.

The following year JoAnn and I contacted our local Post Office and arranged to receive letters that underprivileged children had sent, addressed to Santa Claus. We found that the Post Office believes in Santa Claus, too, and takes its role seriously, and does deliver letters from children in need to real Santa Clauses.

We were able to identify three needy families, and deliver a real Christmas to each one. Instead of random gifts through large organizations for “boy—age 9” or “girl—age 6,” we responded to specific requests from individual children. What fun we had shopping, wrapping, and planning a Christmas Eve delivery route — just like any real Santa!

We felt our adventure that first year was successful. All of the children we found were in difficult situations, and it appeared they would have had no Christmas without us. But much of our energy had been spent screening the letters to choose which children were most needy. We also considered that poverty alone is no indicator of whether or not a child will have Christmas. Many families, poor but loving, will make sure their little ones enjoy holiday magic.

The following year JoAnn and I tried a different approach. We located an agency that provides care for children who had been removed from their families on account of child abuse or neglect. A social worker helped us make arrangements to be Santa for six children in a group home who needed a Santa Claus. Over lunch, she told us about the personal stories of each one of these special children who had endured terrible experiences that few others can ever imagine. We learned that the real “truth” about Santa Claus is that the “naughty” and “nice” list is part of the fantasy myth. In reality, there are no “naughty” children; that problematic behavior only represents troubled pasts cured with compassion and caring, not further deprivation. The real Santa Claus gives unconditionally. The social worker gave us each child’s list, and told us what each child had requested from Santa. Again, we provided the items on their lists, and enjoyed our merriest Christmas ever. We were hooked. We continued this tradition for several years, adapting our routine when my wife Thelma joined our family, and trying different variations such as sponsoring “Santa Claus” for children at Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity orphanage in the Philippines.

I appreciate the lessons Santa Claus has taught my daughter, and the values he has shared with her. Our Christmases are celebrations of true joyfulness, and in the truest possible measure of true value. I do believe in Santa Claus! I especially appreciate the opportunity Santa Claus gave one father to pass on his values to a young daughter.

Note, epilogue; My approach to telling my daughter “The Truth about Santa Claus” was adapted from another true story that had inspired me several years earlier. It was an article in Reader’s Digest about a little Jewish boy who had grown up in New York City, feeling left out of Christmas, but felt he could not celebrate a holiday that might betray his religious and cultural heritage. But he did feel he could, in good conscience, give a gift to those who do celebrate it and BE a Santa Claus to children in need. I was so moved by the story of how he became a real Santa Claus, that I was inspired to hold it in my heart and, at the right time, do something similar. The pointed question -- demand! -- from my daughter for THE TRUTH gave me the opportunity to act on that. Just as those who come from a Christian background celebrate Christmas to remember the birth of a Jewish boy who grew up to become a great rabbi, my story about my daughter is also inspired by a modern Jewish role model.


From Seinfeld & YouTube; Happy Festivus day!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQFLqMyo0fo

"HAVE A COOL YULE..." ' Bettejo Dux' (Monday in instead of Wednesday)

Bettejo Dux has lived on the cosmic garden island of Kaua'i
for over 40 years. Bettejo is a weekly columnist in the world's
greatest newspaper , "The Garden Island news."
She is also the author of the famed Novella , "The Scam."
The big news, Bettejo's second Novella will be available to the public
in early 2014. Her new Novella is titled,
"Children of the Extinction
 "Bettejo kisses Kimo Rosen under the yule, Happy Holidays!
www.bettejodux.com

HAVE A COOL YULE

I’m going to take out after this ancient winter festival with a different approach. It ends, you know, the first of January. 2014. Can you believe this?

Instead,  let’s think turkey, Turkey. No matter what, we seem to have eaten so much we’ll either gobble or lay an egg , then we  get stuck with a roasted carcass and slices and globs of left over meat hanging from the bones. It ain't exactly pretty and it ain't exactly appetizing; so, let’s make it so. And make it so we can spread it around for weeks, instead of trying to gulp it down in a few swell swoopy days.

Broth! That’s the ticket. I’m not a very good cook, even with my sturdy Vit-a-Mix and stalwart floppy chef’s hat, but I am a Scot and- boy- oh- boy-do I  love  pinching pennies.

Here we go. Manhandle that old bird and scrape as much meat as possible off the bones. Store these bit and pieces of Yule flotsam and jetsam in containers. If you’ve a Scottish mind, left over plastic containers of  Yule goodies dragged home  from a cool gourmet counter at the super get stuffed  in the freezer.

Now, dump all those old bones in a plastic zip lock bag and beat them to death with a hammer. Yeah. Break them bones. You can really get into this smashing frenzy if you want. Make believe it’s your nasty second or third cousin who made a scene and nearly ruined the day. Bang. Bang. Bang.   Remember not to invite him next year.

Toss this flotsam  in a pot-some salt and vinegar,too- and simmer for three hours. The broken bones and vinegar draws out the calcium in the bones. At the end of three hours let it cool, leave pieces of jetsom-if you want-and store this rich broth in plastic containers. I use shaken clean plastic orange juice bottles. Store these in the freezer as well. The number will depend on how much water you use.

Smush these  leftover bones and feed them to the cats. Probably not too good for dogs, they can choke on a sliver.

Now you’re set  for maybe a month. Ain’t wasted one drop.The French make the most delicious soup in all the world. They keep a pot of this brew simmering on the stove and add to it as desired. Who can do that today with the high cost of power? Refrigerators are always going.

You can use this stock to make Frenchlicious potions. As liquid in eggs when you’re cooking fritatas or omelets. Anytime you need a liquid in a

dinner recipe.Mashed potatoes. Liquid to vegetables when you’re boiling them. Be sure and save it, it should be rich in vitamins and minerals.

The turkey meat chunks can be disguised in salads, dressings-toss them in the blender or faithful Vit-a-Mix- and enjoy. Enjoy. You’ll fool your family. Yourself. Nobody’s gonna say gobble gobble gobble damn turkey again.

Enjoy a Cool Yule all the way into a Happy New Year.

www.bettejodux.com

P.S.
It's damn funny when a WIFE thinks she is PUNISHING her HUSBAND by not TALKING to him for a FEW DAYZ...!!
Hana Hou, (Encore) Shared From Facebook...

"It's that time again...." 'Judith Whitehead' (Inspiration Sunday)

Judith Whitehead lives in Amherst N.Y. and has worked in the ophthalmology
field of medicine for almost 35 years. Sonny boy is back!

It's that time again....

...For my sonny boy to return to the nest for his winter visit; this weekend I will be stocking the refrigerator with all the favorite foods with anticipation for a hungry fella and visiting friends stopping by.  

This cold weather we have been having will surely be a brisk welcome back to him since its been in the 70's in his neck of the woods, never the less, it's good to have him home for a holiday visit.

Hana Hou, (Encore) shared from Facebook...

"Your duck is dead..." 'Robert Bitos Gandia' (Source-From somewhere on Facebook)

 Please  welcome back Dakinetalk's newest guest-blogger,Robert Bitos Gandia.
Robert is an avid cook (ono gandule rice) and always laughing!!
He works at Syngenta as a Research Associate.
Robert lives in Kekaha on Kauai's west-side and loves football!!

Your duck is dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock,took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" 

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

P.S. Very Funny...

A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane. 

The man turned to him and said, "Let's talk".

Kid: Ok, what do we talk about?

Man (making fun of the kid): How about nuclear power?

Kid: Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question... Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty and horse clumps. Why?

Man: I don't know.


Kid: Do u really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you don’t know shit??


Hana Hou, (Encore) Shared from Facebook...

"Is there a problem, Officer..?" Obama Da Dog' (Source-Facebook)

This is one of Obama Da Dog's favorite stories...

Is there a problem, Officer

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too!
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The officer apologized for the inconvenience and sent her on her way.
Hana Hou, (Encore) Shared from Facebook...

"Laughter..." 'Bettejo Dux' (Classic Wednesday)

Bettejo Dux has lived on the cosmic Garden Island of Kaua'i for over 40 years.
Bettejo is a regular columnist in the Garden Island news and is the author of the
famed novella, "The Scam."
www.bettejodux.com

Laughter

One of the healthiest things we can do is laugh. A belly laugh is good for the belly.

I have a theory horses put up with us- not only because we feel good on their backs and the outside of a horse is good for the inside of a man- but because when we laugh we sound like them when they  whinny. Do horses have a sense of humor? You bet'cha.  

My leopard appaloosa had a sense of humor bigger than all outdoors. He was full of tricks. He loved to come galloping over to greet me, skim close with a friendly demeanor,  then give his rump a twist and set me on my ass.

Once when I was bathing another horse and Beauregard's nose was out of joint, he picked up the hose when I turned my back and dropped the end neatly down the back of my shirt. All the other horses in the barn got a kick out of that one. I must admit, doused to the skin, I,  too, got a giggle. It started a water fight and everyone got his quotas of  chortles for the day, only I had the hose. It would have made a good circus act.

A handsome Canadian Mounty said, "Always leave 'em laughing." Works for old girl or boy friends, too.

Milton Berl said, "Laughter is an instant vacation." I think it's an instant holiday. A holiday with cheese and crackers and a bottle of icy cold Chardonnay. With sunshine and bird song and a sweet whispery titter.

Once, when I was a little girl, a stern faced minister said, "Think! What would you do if you met God face to face?" Me, the devout non believer, ruined his day by responding, "I'd invite him in for a glass of wine." Sadly, it didn't even get a smile from him,  but the class snickered.

Chuckles  help when the conversation gets  too hot to handle.  Lighten up guys. Cool it.

Another favorite author, Stephen King said, "You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants."

There are grins and smiles, roars, guffaws and jeers. With beers.

There are prat falls, Irish jigs, and kiddy skippity hops. Did you ever think how silly it was  to skip rope? Haven't seen a skip rope in years. We should bring them back and pass them out to grumps. Remember kites? Talk about freedom and joy. A red paper kite, some long string wound 'round a stick, and a laughing breeze. The swoops, the spins, the swirls. The joyful rush of hauling them in when a  squall threatened. Once my father brought me a Chinese rice paper owl kite that every kid in the neighborhood took turns flying.

Another dear friend of mine, Bertrand Russell said, 'Never trust a guy who cannot say it simply." I think thee is better and it's a Bettejo, "Never trust a guy who can't laugh at himself."

Bettejo with her nephew a few years back...

Hana Hou, (Encore) Shared from Facebook...

"Hotel rates, way to high..." 'Obama Da Dog' (From somewhere on Facebook)

Obama Da Dog shares from Facebook...  Enjoy!

Hotel rates, way to high

A married couple is travelling by car from California to New York.
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

P.S. Another joke form somewhere on Facebook...
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

Hana Hou, (Encore) Shared From Facebook...

"An overcrowded Mental hospital..." 'Robert Bitos Gandia' (Source)

 Please  welcome Dakinetalk's newest guest-blogger,Robert Bitos Gandia.
Robert is an avid cook (ono gandule rice) and always laughing!!
He works at Syngenta as a Research Associate.
Robert lives in Kekaha on Kauai's west-side and loves football!!

An overcrowded Mental hospital

A mental hospital was critically overcrowded. The doctor decides to get all the patients seated in one large room to conduct a test to see how many they discharge that day.

At the front of the room the Doctors took some chalk and drew a full size door on a Blackboard and offered an ice cream to any patient who could open the door.

There was a mad rush for the door with the patients scratching and clawing at the door and the handle.

The doctors were disappointed, until they noticed a single patient who remained in his chair and was quietly chuckling to himself as he watched his fellow patients.

Encouraged that at least one patient could be discharged today, the doctors asked him why he wasn't trying to open the door.

The patient, who could no longer contain his laughter, shouted, “I've got the key!”

Hana Hou, (Encore) Shared From Facebook...