Artificial insemination..."

We would like to welcome back guest blogger Anonymous Emailer, Enjoy!  :D)

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the
cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when
he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial
insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell
me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is
the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she
explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,'I guess it's to hang your pants on.

Please remember to send your guest blogger submissions to; jrsensei @hotmail.com

Dakinetalk wants to publish your story, jokes, memories, heartaches or just about anything that may be on your mind. Send a short bio and photo along with your submission. Who knows your blog could go VIRAL!

"Market survey for county council, complete..."‏

Politics is a nasty crude and rough game. I have been toying with the idea of a possible run for a county council seat on the island of Kaua'i, where I reside. Market analysis and market surveys are very expensive therefore for feelers I have a few signs and t-shirts with my name for county council.

It is customary to get a honk when someone is in agreement with a sign you are holding on various well trafficked streets. Campaigning all day, I got 3 honks, and all from people I knew.

I also recently got run of the side of the rode on my bike, maybe deliberate, maybe not?

My market survey is completed much earlier than I anticiapated, I am dropping out of the race for many reasons, The number one reason is my health, after consulting with my doctor he actually said, "I am in no physical or mental state." and he feels it's a big mistake to run.

I thank everyone who may have supported me, however at this time I value my life and health more than a possible run for county council.


Aloha and  A Hui Hou,
James "Kimo" Rosen

"They shoot horses, don't they..?"

"Council scratches cat resolution," a feature story recently posted in The Kauai Garden Island News talks about the county council not being able to make up their minds on what to do with the feral cat overpopulation problem with breeding out of control and shelving the issue for the time being. http://thegardenisland.com/news/local/govt-and-politics/article_677905e2-97f4-11e0-b89b-001cc4c002e0.html?mode=story

I agree with county attorney Al Castillo who said,"We can do trap and neuter, but to do TNR would be actively releasing a predator.”

If the county of Kaua'i is on probation for Shearwaters and other endangered sea-birds dive bombing into lights, we need to be careful, re-releasing feral cats, they are a danger to all birds and since Kaua'i county gets a fine of $10,000 for each dead shearwater sea-bird it's time to do what's pono, after-all "they shoot horses don't they?"

"Senior Texting Code..."

 

Since seniors are texting and tweeting more and more, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).
· ATD ~ At The Doctor's
· BTW ~ Bring The Wheelchair
· BYOT ~ Bring Your Own Teeth
· CBM ~ Covered By Medicare
· CUATSC ~ See You At The Senior Center
· DWI ~ Driving While Incontinent
· FWB ~ Friend With Beta Blockers
· FWIW ~ Forgot Where I Was
· FYI ~ Found Your Insulin
· GGPBL ~ Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
· GHA ~ Got Heartburn Again
· IMHO ~ Is My Hearing-Aid On?
· LMDO ~ Laughing My Dentures Out
· LOL ~ Living On Lipitor
· LWO ~ Lawrence Welk's On
· OMMR ~ On My Massage Recliner
· OMSG ~ Oh My! Sorry, Gas!
· ROFL-CGU ~ Rolling On The Floor Laughing-Can't Get Up
TTYL ~ Talk To You Louder
· WAITT ~ Who Am I Talking To?
· WTFA ~ Wet The Furniture Again
· WTP ~ Where's The Prunes?
· WWNO ~ Walker Wheels Need Oil
· GGLKI ~ Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
· NCDCWPH ~ Never confuse denture cream with preparation H...

Please remember to send your guest blogger submissions to; jrsensei@hotmail.com

dakinetalk wants to publish your story, jokes, memories, heartaches are just about anything that may be on your mind. Send a short bio and photo along with your submission. Who knows your blog could go VIRAL!

"Watch Where You Sit..."

I would like to welcome another guest blogger to 'dakinetalk.' Harmony,'like 'Madonna' and 'Cher' likes to be known by her first name only...Harmony was one of the first people I met in Hawai'i and we have stayed friends since meeting back in 1999.
'Harmony' lives in Makakilo, above Kapolei, on Oahu. She is pursuing her masters degree in psychological counseling at Chaminade University. She is also a massage therapist. She is not planning to host anymore Naturist parties in the near or far future.

'Harmony' calls  the enclosed photo of herself  'Peacock in Paradise.' "Her favorite outfit is panties, a t-shirt, and socks which she is wearing in this picture.

I used to belong to a nudist group. It was called the Hawai'i Naturist Society, and they believed that nudity was healthy and wholesome. It was not about sexual attraction. Rather, this was a family oriented organization, and it was OK to bring your children to the gatherings. Their philosophy was that nudity was about body acceptance. It didn't matter if you were old or fat or ugly. All were welcome. We even had one member named Bo who we considered to be our mascot because she was brave enough to attend our parties with only one breast because she had had a mastectomy.

You might be wondering where a nudist group would meet. Unfortunately, there were no nude beaches we could frequent without risk of getting arrested. Nudist groups generally cannot meet in public places. There was one exception when we were able to rent a miniature golf course and had it to ourselves. Usually, however, the only place we could meet was at members’ homes.

If you are attending a nude party in someone’s home, the proper etiquette is to bring a towel to sit on. I mean just think if you were hosting a nude party, you wouldn't want a bunch of nude people sitting on your furniture!?

I had always wanted to host a party but couldn't because I was married then, and my husband wasn't into nudity. He would be very uncomfortable with a bunch of nude people parading through his home. He was even uncomfortable with clothed people parading through his home! So, it was out of the question- until the weekend when he went away to Las Vegas, and it just so happened that the Hawaii Naturist Society was looking for a place to meet!

I was so excited to be able to finally host a party. Many guests arrived with their towels. Soon my couches and chairs had filled up, and people were sitting on the floor. I was walking amidst the guests serving pupus when for some reason, I tripped and fell backwards and landed sitting on the head of a man who was seated on the floor! I was so embarrassed I must have repressed the moment because I don’t clearly remember what happened next. I think everyone was too shocked to react. I’m guessing my first reaction was to jump up really fast!

I don’t believe the members held it against me because shortly after that incident, they elected me president! Another good thing that came out of this came about because Red-book Magazine featured a monthly column called “Was My Face Red” where readers wrote in about their most embarrassing experiences They published my story! So, as a result of sitting on someone’s head, I became a published writer!

A funny thing happened next. I let my husband read the article. I hadn't told him about the incident. I had told him I was hosting a nude party when he was in Vegas, and he was OK with that. But I hadn't told him I fell on a guy’s head. When he read the story, he was so shocked that his first reaction was to grab me and make mad, passionate love! I guess it was his way of reclaiming me after sitting on someone else’s head. My advice to you is if you ever attend a nude party, and especially if there are people sitting on the floor, watch where you sit!

Please remember to send your guest blogger submissions to;  jrsensei@hotmail.com

Dakinetalk wants to publish your story, jokes, memories, heartaches or just about anything that may be on your mind. Send a short bio and photo along with your submission. Who knows your blog could go VIRAL!

"Jewish comedians of the past..."

(editors note, since writers block has crept again, please enjoy the following jokes by Jewish comedians making fun of their own race. Just like a black man can call another black man the "N" Word, so can a Jewish person blog about Jewish jokes...) Again I wish I wrote this but it was submitted by that famous Chinese guy, Anonymous.

Please remember to send your guest blogger submissions to; jrsensei@hotmail.com
dakinetalk wants to publish your story, jokes, memories, heartaches are just about anything that may be on your mind.  Send a short bio and photo along with your submission. Who knows your blog could go VIRAL!

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days:

Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers,

Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jesse ,Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny.

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

· I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

· I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

· What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

· Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

· We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

· My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

· My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

· She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That's only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

· The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

· The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

· The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

· There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

· Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

· Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, Lady, I haven't eaten in three days, force yourself, she replied.

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Q: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
A: They're worth it.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.

A man called his mother in Florida , Mom, how are you?
Not too good,said the mother. I've been very weak.
The son said, Why are you so weak?
She said, Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.
The son said, That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answered, Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, What part is it?
The boy says, I play the part of the Jewish husband.
The mother scowls and says, Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.

Robin Williams, Billy Crystal, Ben Stiller, Adam Sandler, Jerry Seinfeld, & so many others are still carrying on the tradition... L'chayim! To Life!~

"Just another tourist..."‏

Diana LaRussa aka F. Karimah lives in Louisiana and works as a seamstress. She has traveled the globe and has managed raising 4 children along the way. Diana was my high school sweetheart. Diana is dakinetalk's first guest blogger.  Send your guest blogs to; jrsensei@hotmail.com    if  you would like to express a story, memory, joke or just wish to share anything, that's dakine!

My wanderlust began back in 1974 when I graduated from high school. My boyfriend (James "Kimo" Rosen, yes that James "Kimo" Rosen) and I decided to sight-see in the US, Canada and Mexico using an Ameripass from Greyhound bus. When I told my parents that we were going on this adventure  (notice I said"told'), the only thing my father said to us was, “don't get her pregnant!”. Well, that's about the only thing that didn't happen on this trip!

To make a very adventurous two month story fit into the guest blog addition, I will explain the photograph that I took last week in New Orleans. (photo above)

After much frolicking around on our trip, doing everything we could possibly do in as many places as we could do them in, we landed in the French quarters of New Orleans, starving, dirty and broke. We found jobs cleaning, restocking the Hot-dog wagons as well as selling weiners.

At the time, it meant a place to bed down (we lived in the loft above the place the weiner wagons were stored each night). We had been sleeping on the floor in a New Orleans hostel (called the "Head-Inn") and were given the bathtub to sleep in since they were overbooked!! (haha) Wow, a place to shower! It meant money because we earned a  small percentage from each hot dog sold. Food-well, we had to pay for the Hot-dogs but not the buns-we ate buns by the tonnes.

Some of the walk-bys that were regulars on Bourbon street where we worked were transvestites. I had gay friends in High-school therefore this wasn't shocking to me. How I knew this was that when the 'guys' were looking for paying customers (IE:walking alone) they spoke in male voices but once they strolled by us with a customer, they had very female voices. Back and forth they went-they knew us as 'the ones who had the weiner cart' so they were friendly. I remember one had told us to 'fleece' the customers for their change. The customers were so drunk that they wouldn't notice anything missing.

The night-clubs across from us had girls on swings who had pasties on. The doors would get flung open for potential customers to get a quick look at the girls who had each 'breast swinging pastie' going in opposite directions!! This a trick I figured my boyfriend would love to see me do in our little cubbyhole above the weiner wagons. alas, I was too tired at the end of the day to even think about 'preforming'. After-all, we cleaned all of the carts each night to earn money to continue on the adventure of our celebration that high school was over.

We fled from this hot dog haven when we got word one night that the owner of the carts had been shot dead selling hot-dogs just down the street from where we sold. I don't even think we waited to get this verified as we had seen so much 'on the streets' by then, that this could have only been how it was supposed to end for us in the French quarters of New Orleans.

All this came rushing back to me as I took this picture last week,(above) I chuckled when I took the picture, the guy behind the cart probably figured I was 'just another' tourist.

I think I was much more than "Just another tourist," don't you?