Entertainment night at the senior center

(Editors note, writers block has creeped in, therefore here is another anonymous email I received, Although I would like to take credit for the enclosed, it was written by my friend anonymous. Enjoy)

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth on it's chain while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . .."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" uttered the Hypnotist instinctively.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center. Claude was never invited back to entertain.

"J.D.S..." (Jackass Disorder syndrome)

Everybody is something, nobody takes responsibility for their actions these days. Your either bi-polar, A.D.D. PTSD, manic, depressed or have one or more of the hundreds of phobias diagnosed by modern psychologists.

You may even have an addiction to sex, an excuse for being a sexual pervert, or you may have an addiction to fast food and that's your excuse for being fat.

All of America is either mentally ill or addicted to something.

Recently in Honolulu Hawaii, A preacher's son went on a shooting rage on a local highway, he got out of his car and for no apparent reason shot 8 people , one died, 2 others are still in the hospital and five people were shot but not injured.
http://www.staradvertiser.com/news/breaking/Church_members_friends_show_up_at_shooting_suspects_hearing.html

Many are calling this man a victim and that he is mentally ill and needs help. What about the real innocent victims and the families of those who were shot?

I believe you can make an excuse of a mental disorder for all your wrong doings, sometimes people can just be jerks and plain evil, it's time we stopped rationalizing the demons of evil people and bring back chain gangs and the death penalty.

The United States needs to get tougher on crime, since before long every criminal will be diagnosed with some sort of disorder, how about the disorder of being a Jackass, how about calling it J.D.S. (Jackass Disorder Syndrome) throw away the Prozac and treat it with the electric chair.

"A simple crosswalk to avoid future liabilities..."

(Editors note;
A new bridge was just completed to make traffic flow more efficiently, however there is no crosswalk!)
 http://thegardenisland.com/news/local/article_7ef5e2f4-8c1d-11e0-aa0b-001cc4c002e0.html

Finally the new Wailua bridge and pedestrian way is open to the public, however the D.O.T. neglected to put in a crosswalk at the intersection of Wailua boat harbor, the entrance to Smiths Paradise Luau's.

It was impossible to cross Malka bound at the end of the new Wailua bridge pedestrian lane near the Ashton beach resort during last Sundays taste of Hawaii. I saw a few people almost get run over.

I spoke to the two young officers conducting traffic and there only reply was start writing letters. Please Department of Transportation send your engineer down there and take action, before someone loses there life.

A simple crosswalk would without a reasonable doubt be the best investment to avoid future liabilities, please install a crosswalk immediately.

"Just beware of flying drunks..!"

I used to be an advocate of the Honolulu rail project, at the projects first inception there was not a major recession happening.

Daily one can read letters to the editor about the controversial rail system, although it was voted on by the people, my guess is that with the economic stresses many have changed their minds to the project.

The rail as planned now will be a dinosaur by the time it is completed and reality may well be technology will have us flying in Jetson type electric flying cars and buses. This will eliminate most traffic on the road, just beware of flying drunks.

"Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda..." (from an anonymous email)

(Editors note, the enclosed is from one of those many forwards you receive in your email box, I did not write the enclosed but feel it is right on and wish I had written it.)

If you had purchased $1,000 in shares of Delta Airlines stock one year ago, you would have $49 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 in shares of AIG one year ago, you would have $33 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 in shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have absolutely nothing today.

But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling refund, you would receive $214 today.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American

"Stay cool, don't be a fool!"

Swimming, snorkeling, surfing and an array of different water-sports are one of the many ways to stay cool and get some needed exercise in a tropical climate.

Another favorite way to cool off is to go shopping in an ice cold air-conditioned store or grab some grinds at your favorite bistro.

The recession has hit hard on the cosmic garden island of Kauai with the highest kilowatt per second charge for electricity in America. Business's are tightening their belts with either no air conditioning or run their ac units on the fan only setting.

The Kaua'i bus is a sure way to  beat the heat too, they run their air conditioners on the coldest and iciest settings which guarantee your ice cream stays frozen on the ride home from the grocery store.

If you are too tired to swim and need to cool off spend $25.00 a month for unlimited travel on da Kaua'i Bus, or buy a bus pass in whatever city you live and go for a ride to nowhere, go for a joy ride on your local bus, not much fuss, stay cool, don't be a fool, ride the bus!

"Quit whining about your weiner..!"

Weiner is a very popular Jewish name, as a child i remember Herbie Weiner, the famous local kosher caterer that catered all the Bar Mitzvah's and weddings of all the prominent Jewish families in western New York, where I was reared (no pun intended) as a child. There were also 2 Weiner brothers I played with as a child, however they always insisted there name be pronounced as Winer Although it was spelled 'weiner.'

New York Democratic Congressman Anthony Weiner a liberal has inspirations of becoming the mayor of New York city. Weiner says he’s the victim of a hacker who sent out a “gag photo...”  :D)

Weiner absolutely and positively denies allocations this past week of Tweeting the crotch photo and says he has never met or spoken with the voluptuous female who received it. The wahine (woman in Hawaiian) says the same thing.

It's somewhat ironic that a guy named Weiner is being accused of sending a photo of his Weiner out all over the social networking sites, he denies it and says somebody hacked into his account and sent the photo of the congressman's private parts.

I am sure he was teased as a kid having the last name of Weiner, imagine being called weiner as a little boy? I am sure hew was teased on a daily basis about his sir name.

If only this man was smart enough to tell people his name was pronounced Winer, just as my Weiner friends did as a child.

Imagine if Anthony (Toni) Weiner had been named Richard (Dick) or Harold (Harry)? Although the media is trying to make something out of this escapade it is to comical to be taken serious, and for Peters (Peter, that's another play on words) sake if Mr. Weiner can help New York and be a good mayor who cares what he does with his Weiner, unless of course your a Whiner? Then again if this man has not told people to call him Winer in lieu of Weiner, maybe he isn't smart enough to mayor of New York?

The moral of this story is that the congressman needs to quit whining about his 'Weiner' and be thankful his parents didn't name him Harry or Dick.

 Stay tuned for  the nex blog about Senator Michael  "Mike"  Hunt!  ;D)