"SLY, DEMENTED HUMOR..." 'Bettejo Dux' (Classic Wednesday)

Bettejo Dux turned 82 years young on August 15, 2012.Bettejo has lived on the cosmic island of Kaua'i for over 40 years and is a people lover, animal lover and lover of life.Today she talks about, "Sly, Demented Humor!" Enjoy!

A fan, I hope, ANDY, a reader of my posts on the Garden Island discussion site, so labeled me. I loved it. Hope all of you will pop in, once awhile. It can get lively. And don't forget to check out KIMO ROSEN'S darling blog, Dakinetalk.

If by any chance you've been visiting me and my column and scrolling around, you will  know that I love books-just above or slightly below animals -depending on the day, the hour, or the mood I'm in-and am convinced we are all the product of our past experiences. I grew up happy. I grew up small. I grew up and got here. Eighty two is a long long got here, and, though built low to the ground for speed, I think I grew up with the best animals and the best writers  in America.

Animals aside, this is writer's day. A book day. A sly, demented writer book day.

The New Yorker was always a busy bedside buddy. Dorothy Parker, Robert Benchley, James Thurber. Thurber was my favorite. His humor was beyond compare-I used to laugh my tummy sore- and his use of the English language superb  Can anyone who's read it possible forget  The Night the Bed Broke? The Dog That Bit People? I have the most battered edition of  The Thurber Carnival you've ever seen. It's held together with chewing gum, paper clips and long-in-the-tooth sticky worn out  scotch tape. I wouldn't part with it for all the oil in Saudi Arabia.

All those incredible cartoons are indelibly tattooed in whatever part  of my mind laughter is indelibly tattooed.  The Complete Cartoons of  The New Yorker-1925-2004- is taking center stage on my cluttered desk top this morning. You wanna talk about sly, demented humor?

I just opened a page. Remember Peter Arno?  Nightclub scene. Rich fat cat seated at a table while a bevy of practically bare assed chorus girls dance around him. One turns her head and says. "Valerie won't be around for several days. She backed into a sizzling platter."

I also have all the covers from 1925-1989 and plenty of them are delightfully demented. William Steig. Steinberg. Chas Addams.

I think satire, it's an art form you know, is pretty sly and demented. The American satirists-old and new-Mark Twain,  O'Henry, Will Rogers, Kurt Vonnegutt. H.L Mencken: The Devil's Dictionary, "Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country." Come on, beat that.

...and the beat goes on. Ogden Nash. Andy Rooney. George Carlin. Robert Benchley. Jim Hightower. Isaac Asimov. Walt Kelly, "When you starves with a tiger, the tiger starves last."

Got back on- digression is a funny- on a cutesy animal cartoon kick: two llamas with background Andes scribbled  high- 1945-he says to the shy, sweet furry thing over whom he towers,"I love you."

Hopping around, scratching my belly and grinning like  a baboon, I dare you to forget, "A Modest Proposal Proposed for Preventing the Children of the Poor from Being a Burden", Jonathan Swift. Leave it to the Anglo/Irish.

Eat'em?

Now that's pretty sly and demented.

Don't forget to check Bettejo's website...
www.bettejodux.com

"Making a Baby..." 'Chester "Unc" Lau (Source)

Dakinetalks favorite Uncle (Chester Lau)

is back talking about the miracle of being  a surrogate!

"Unc" is a retired cinematographer currently living 

on the Hawai'ian Island of Oahu.

Making a Baby....    This is hilarious!

The Jones' were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, Kimo ,a door-to-door baby  photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Jones cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room  floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Jones.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Jones quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of  his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God  !' Mrs. Jones exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Jones.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Jones, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Jones leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'
 'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs.   Jones     fainted...

     

What about those buried at sea..? Obama Da Dog'

With all of societies building regulations and Environmental codes,
it seems near impossible for anything to get done these days...

It would seem every road we drive probably has some human remains  buried underneath it. Why are so many worried about walkers and bicyclists  using  the multi-use  trail in Wailua  while nobody seems worried about the thousands of cars driving over the same route daily? 

Nobody seems worried about the many buried at sea and millions of human ashes scattered in our oceans. Let's face it, the longer this world exists the more bodies will be buried and cremated. Should we also cease all ocean activity because so many of our ancestor's remains  are scattered in Oceans around the world?

Burial grounds are for the living, not the dead.  Most religions and philosophies believe you go on to a better place and  your afterlife is nowhere near where you are buried or your ashes scattered.

I do understand the opposition, but just feel the world is a burial ground and if this argument wins,with all of societies building regulations and environmental codes, it seems near impossible for anything to get done these days and into the future. 

"A flash From the past..." 'Judith Whitehead' (Inspiration Sunday)

"Guest-blogger Judith Whitehead lives in Amherst N.Y. and has worked in the

 ophthalmology field of medicine for over 30 years...
 Today she talks  about one of Buffalo New York's most nostalgic properties. Enjoy...  ;D)

A flash From the past

Every year my husbands’ employer throws a big holiday bash at a large restaurant down town.
This year they chose the old Statler hotel that was originally build in the 1930’s; it is the hotel that my parents got married in way back in the 1940’s and has since gone through many transitions.  Eventually it fell into disrepair until recently when a Buffalo developer though it worthy of renovations.  It was finally partially finished enough to hold this big bash for over 500 people to attend and I was more than anxious to attend and place myself in the very place where my parents tied the knot.

Of course back in the 1930’s many people had no cars so there was no place to park, valet parking was provided and as we approached we saw a wagon train like line to drop off the car.  As we entered the majestic doorway I could only imagine what it was like way back then when it was first built.  The entry was wide open and entered into a walk way that had many entrances to the ballrooms.  Our party took up two very large ballrooms and had been renovated from ceiling to floor with the exact ambiance that charmed that century.  The ballrooms were very grand with large dance floors and charm.  The music playing was in keeping with that era until of course the dance music kicked in later on in the evening for quick dancing and line dancers.  It was a charming evening; even the bathrooms had been updated with old again new fixtures and amenities.  

It was a pleasure to experience such an old place brought back to life for the city of Buffalo and so popular that they are booked  up for the next year with weddings and parties.  It’s great to see life brought back to Buffalo, slowly as it may be. ..slow is better than never in my book.  

Photo's and History of the Historic Buffalo Statler Hilton...

https://www.google.com/search?q=photo,+buffalo+statler+hilton&hl=en&tbo=u&tbm=isch&source=univ&sa=X&ei=NQf7UIbLI6KWiQLZ5oHgDA&sqi=2&ved=0CDAQsAQ&biw=1366&bih=677

Deja vu, The Multi use trail is good for you..." 'Obama Da Dog'

Obama Da Dog frequents the multi-use trail  with friends on a daily basis...

Aloha, Check out my opinion article in the  (01-20-13) 
edition of the  Kauai Garden island news, "Deja vu, the trail is good for you."
http://thegardenisland.com/news/opinion/mailbag/letters-for-sunday-jan/article_0f9a1ea4-62c5-11e2-b498-001a4bcf887a.html

Does anyone  else have the strangest of feeling of deja-vu concerning Glenn Micken's  latest letter to the editor, " The path will fail." 
    http://thegardenisland.com/news/opinion/mailbag/letters-for-tuesday-jan/article_c389d0fe-5ef0-11e2-85c5-001a4bcf887a.html

 Dear Mr. Mickens, The Multi-use trail was never intended for the businessman  carrying a brief case walking or bicycling to work.  The intention is a for an alternative means of not only getting from point A to point B,  but for exercise, play time, physical therapy time, tourism and an alternative way to get around the island during emergencies.

I will  repeat myself  in saying the multi use trail is the best use of taxpayer monies ever on Kaua'i. I see thousands of people from Physically challenged people in wheelchairs, mothers with strollers, skateboarders, rollerblading, dog walkers,  power walkers, visitors riding rental bicycles and off to the side many people practicing yoga, tai chi and hula. Many people live in cramped quarters and this pedestrian trail is an extension of every-one's backyard.

  Did you know many cities and counties have concessions along their trail systems as a source of revenues to help maintain their  trail systems. Kaua'i could do the same and make the trail a money making venture!

I agree we need more roads too, with less than 260 miles of paved roads on Kauai soon there will be no place to drive just bumper to bumper traffic.

I do not know where you get your 1% percent of the population uses the trail, you are pulling numbers out of your hat, therefore I will venture and do the same and believe that 94.5% of the population is in favor of this federally funded trail system.

 I have the strangest feeling of deja vu and also have a future deja vu vibe telling me you will keep repeating the same dogma from now to eternity.  Therefore I will do the same and say,"Deja vu, Deja vu, Deja vu, the pedestrian trail is good for you!"

http://thegardenisland.com/news/opinion/mailbag/letters-for-sunday-jan/article_0f9a1ea4-62c5-11e2-b498-001a4bcf887a.html

"Miz Teeparty..." 'Bettejo Dux' (Classic Wednesday)

Bettejo Dux turned 82 years young on August 15, 2012.Bettejo has lived on the cosmic island of Kaua'i for over 40 years and is a people lover, animal lover and lover of life.Today she talks about Miz Teeparty!

Miz Bulimia USA strolled across the set-ignoring the Uber, just as he had ignored her-like a model with large phony boobs on a cat walk. Her gorgeous mop of auburn hair flowed down her shoulders and  wisped into her deep brown eyes. She had a gorgeous tan. Perhaps a little too tan? Thinking of people of color. Sorry.  I mean it’s winter. How does one get and keep a tan like that? Must ask.

She made me feel fat. Okay, I’m born again. A good Christian but not quite as humble and submissive as I should be. A little too much Palin in me, I guess. Love to hunt and shoot the bare. That’s a laugh line. Fortunately I chose among the wide variety offered on  market a religion that teaches, preaches and practices forgiveness. I’d nearly worn my string of beads out.

Miz Eat-it-up-throw-it-up, understand she actually has a vomitarium in her mansion in the Hamptons, slouched gracefully in the arm-chair and crossed her long slender legs. My, dear, I could almost see up the lagoon.

“Darling, Rhoda” I gushed. “Beautiful as ever. How do you keep your figure?”
“Exercise. Exercise. Exercise. Proper diet. And, fortunately, I’m barren. My husbands & I adopt and raise the lost and abandoned -of every color-as all good Christians should.”
“Of course. The really really black one from that funny country in Africa-or was it Australia- is so precocious and special.”
“Australia.”
“And you. You have such a lovely tan. However do you keep it?”
“It’s my natural color. Year in. Year out.”
“Dark skin in the woodpile?” I dared to tease.

“My great grandmother’s roots are none of your business. I am here as a one precentor. THE one precentor. Taxes, not paying any, is our main objective. The economic structure of this wonderful land must remain the most successful economic system the world has ever known. Pure capitalism.  My husband and I sell vast quantities of the best and healthiest condiments-at the best prices-to the military to nourish our brave young troops. Otherwise how could they eat the slop some others in this country would feed them? It is our hope that those we must deal with remember that.”
“I’m sure they will,”  Oh my, I did touch a nerve. Might’s well hit another. “Didn’t see you in church last Sunday.”

“Of course not. Our church is of the ivy coated tall spire variety. Church of England.  Our God is the same. Our covenants differ.”
You can say that again. “Have you anything more you’d like to say to our vast audience? Your beauty, grace and candor entertains us.”

“I’m sure it does. Life styles of the elite has always  entertained the masses.”
“Bread and circus.” She tossed her hair. Switched legs and crossed ankles. My nose awakened. “What is that heavenly scent?” She out-sniffed me. “Is there anything else you might relate to the multitude who love you?”
“Yes. Be brave. Be loyal. Be happy in your work. It’s money like mine that keeps you going. I’m hiring grooms and gardeners now.”

She rose with no further ado and vanished from the screen. My cameramen knew the ropes. I wiggled and rolled my eyes.

Check out Bettejo's website   http://www.bettejodux.com

"Assimilate and feel right at home...‏" 'Obama Da Dog'

It's easy to fit in, look a t me!  ;D)
Aloha, Check out my opinion article in the (01-14-12) edition of the Kaua'i Garden island news," Advice for Tourists)
 http://thegardenisland.com/news/opinion/mailbag/letters-for-monday-january/article_a44a5812-5e32-11e2-a664-001a4bcf887a.html

To anyone planning a sojourn to  the cosmic island of Kauai remember do not  rent those shiny red convertibles or brand new spic and span  jeeps to traverse and discover the island.

Hawaii is unique and for any visitor wishing to assimilate and fit right in like  a local you must first purchase a monster pickup truck with wheels taller than you, a tinted windshield allowing nobody to see in and when driving at high speeds make sure and tailgate with your bright headlights on.

Remember to ditch that matching Aloha wear you and your sweetheart purchased for a nice t-shirt, shorts and pair of slippa's (flip flops)
Always ask for chopsticks in lieu of a fork and spoon. Last but not  least remember to pronounce the "TH" sound like a "D,"

It's always amusing watching visitors try and fit in, I guess it's just as amusing to a native Hawaiian watching me thinking I am fitting right in.

With this said., or should I say with '"dis" said, enjoy your trip and tell "dem" Kimo sent you!

Hana Hou, (Encore)  Shared from Facebook...